The bitter taste of betrayal gives my taste buds such a jolt. My anxiety starts to kick in but I take a couple deep breaths and repeat, “let it go, let it be.” I’ll never get it, never understand. You claimed to love me but how can those same lips that professed deep feelings turn around and mock my broken heart? Or even worse, try to embarrass me by sharing something with the world that was done in the privacy of our relationship.

It was to my understanding that no matter if it’s a love lost or not, you wouldn’t want others to see what you once cherished and made “love” to on numerous occasions. Obviously I’m wrong because on his end, the love wasn’t genuine. It couldn’t be. You can’t feel deeply for someone and then go out of your way time after time to try to emotionally break them down. Especially when I did nothing to deserve his actions.

I should have been smarter about my decisions and realized that even though I was helplessly in love, things do unexpectedly come to an end. I just wish I knew why I didn’t deserve even a heads up or an explanation. You told me you don’t want me and to leave you alone and I’ve been doing just that. So why won’t you let me live? Please just let me be.

Maybe that’s his motivation, knowing how much it hurts me…

I’ve been wanting to write something, anything for months but the words just wouldn’t make their way from my brain to my fingertips. It’s been about over a year since I’ve put any type of effort into paisleydarts; the lovechild that is my innermost thoughts. I haven’t felt inspired in a long time but I’m working so hard to get out of this rut that I’m in, whatever it may be. Maybe it’s a fear of letting my judgement-proof guard down and letting people have a piece of what means the most to me. My words. Most won’t appreciate them but this is solely for me. A time capsule of some sort for me to look back on and laugh at my foolish blurbs.

It’s funny how a heartbreak can force you to take a step back and really analyze who you are. I completely lost my sense of self to the point that after the break-up, I felt completely stripped and alone. I was so used to being an “us” that I forgot what it was like to walk on my own two feet. My heart may be broken but I’m not. I still have a ways to go as far as self-realization goes but that comes with time. I can’t rush the life lessons that I know I will gain through life and love and hell, maybe even another heartbreak. I’m just grateful that I no longer feel like a piece of me just up and left me, without any type of regard for my well being. No one but me can break me.

This is a complete new start for me. I’ve never been so excited for the future and what can be. It took someone breaking me down, or at least trying to, for me to get to this point but so be it. I should thank him but that would require a desire to communicate, which I don’t possess. Me mentioning him alone is enough gratitude. Even that was too much for someone so undeserving.

Sade’s serenading me, telling me to cherish the day and this bottle of wine has me floating above all the negative thoughts that are trying to manifest themselves in the forefront of my mind. At the moment, all is well and for that, I’m content.